Monday, October 26, 2009

Confessions of a Mother

I see that the children we have are miracles like any other. Like the bluish green tinge of the backwaters, like the blazing mighty sun taking its daily dip, far out in the sea, like meteors from space falling, sparing skyscrapers infested with all kinds of people, like the many acts of kindness that is bestowed upon us each day, we have nothing do with creating them: our children. Our job is to stand and wonder. Our job is to marvel and love. What has been given to us, as an ultimate act of mercy.
Today, my son walks up to me and hugs me tight, and said "Amma, I like you." His arms went around my waist and his cheeks rested on my stomach. He is all of five years. There in his eyes was a look of undivided, unadulterated, love. Just admiration and gratitude. As my eyes welled up, looking down at him, I wondered, do I deserve this. Like flashes. Quick repeated flashes, I remembered the moments I failed him. Failed him so completely. Like the time he came to me with his water colour painting of the scary deep sea monster, I looked at the pool of paint on the floor and big stain on my durrie, instead and said, can’t you be more careful. Or the time he came and said "amma, I want to take flowers for my teacher, she hugged me for naming all the animals", a pang of sheer jealousy and insecurity of the attention getting divided, I dismissed the act telling him, that she’s just doing her job. And many other thoughtless, cruel acts later, here is my son, hugging me and telling me I am the best.
My son is a good-looking child, well-behaved, courteous, loving and selfless. I look at myself everyday and wonder where he got all this from. Not from me. Not even from my husband. I look up heavenward again with tears and in silent awe, do I deserve this? I ask again. Then in an instant I get the answer. It doesn’t matter if I am worthy, it’s all love. My son loves me; it doesn’t matter if I am worthy. He loves me because the hand that made him is love itself. And today I saw the face of my God in him.

14 comments:

Beautiful Life said...

This is what I love to read. True, real, transparent, meaningful, and challenging. My favorite stuff to read. Real courage to write. Great Shalini.

deeps said...

that sounds so warm and brings tears in hte eyes ... it s not always we come across visble expressions of love n gratitude from chidren towards their parents ... esply in this era ...

you are one such lucky mom ..

neelima said...

This is beautiful shalu.One of your best posts.

Mika is lucky to have you and so are you to have him.

Hugs

carol said...

wow! this post brought tears to my eyes. being a mother I could totally identify with what you were saying. The very little things in life bring us the most joy. we often are so focused on the milestone achievements that we forget to see the tiny steps that lead us there.
great job shals! :)

Beautiful Life said...

This one makes more sense to me if I read it again. There is something special in it, deep meaning, may be it is the simplicity itself.

Paresh Palicha said...

You are 1 of the best spiritual writer I've read (though I haven't read many). Keep it up Sister.

Shalini George said...

@ Antony. U hav always been my greatest source of encouragement, right from the time I started blogging. Thankyou. It's not really about courage Anotny as it is about truth. Thankyou so much for being there right from our fulltimer days.

@ DeepsThankyou for your kind appreciation. Children when young as my son is are truly the image and likeness of God. no wonder Jesus said "the kingdom of god belongs to such as these..."
The more they emulate their the adults the more they start losing their innocense. I feel the adults are to blame for this.

@ Neelu. Thankyou dear. You seem to be around for me at every turn. I stand in gratitude dear.

@ Carol. Lovely to see you here. I am glad that u relate to the post. there is always a sense of fulfilment when I see my readers relating to the posts. And when the encouragement comes from my oldest and dearest friend, life itself becomes so rewrding. Thankyou Carol!

Shalini George said...

@Paresh. :-) You are always too kind to me.I am nowhere compared to writers with depth. You just unwittingly created a genre for my writing...never thought of it though.
'Spiritual writing', interesting idea...You are one wise man indeed!
Thankyou Paresh.

AKA said...

Chapeu

AKA said...

or rather chapeau

RatanMani said...

This is really heartwarming and so true and sometime I wonder too when my kids express unconditional and unadulterated love. They sometimes portray your image larger than life. Can easily identify with same feelings of being worthy of that love and admiration. Reading your article made me appreciate these beautiful creatures of nature even more.

Shalini George said...

@ AKA. Was that french? what does it mean?

@Ratan Mani. Yeah! totally getwhat you mean. Thankyou for visitng.

Beautiful Life said...

The trigger to write this was your confessions.

http://joyfulwaiting.blogspot.com/2009/10/truth.html

dinkan said...

yeah the unadulterated, unknowingly truthful love it is