Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A gooey yellow monster called lacking.

Some days you get off the bed just because you have to. And I have wondered how my day would turn out if I decide to stay in bed. In all of my 34 years on earth I have not tried that. Something as simple as staying in bed, even when I want to, seems like such a luxury. And every waking moment is spend wondering, would I rather be in bed, than doing the laundry right now. Would I rather be under my blanket than wash the dishes? Would I rather dream my impossible dreams than sit here and write blogs.
The phone rings incessantly. I let it ring for some more time before I decide to pick it up. Even that seemed like an effort today. Every task at hand turns out to be Herculean. I just had to get out of this terrible feeling that was there in the pits of my stomach...or somewhere deeper. But it’s inside somewhere, can’t get a hold on exactly where it all begins....but as it rises the feeling turns into a physical presence, and I begin to taste it. It is bitter. So bitter that saliva gathers and it seeps through, my lips. I run to nearest basin to spit it out. Its nausea, I realise. I linger on near the basin. The dark presence starts small from the pits within...and rises up slowly gaining momentum and turning into this fluid monster. When it reaches the tongue I taste the bitterness. This time, it does more than seep through my pursed lips. It forces my mouth open wide. And out comes the yellow mass of fluid, bitter and sour. It’s bile.
With all of it vomited, I assumed that would be the end of my melancholy. Unfortunately it did not stop there. Though, the feeling does not turn into the yellow liquid monster I could still feel its looming presence. It was down there somewhere, bidding time. Waiting for the opportune moment to let its ugly face show.
I had to get to the bottom of it all. And get out of this wretched lethargy, pointlessness, and boredom. I was kind of sure the looming yellow monster was nurtured by these very same emotions. And benign as it would seem initially, it grew into this large liquid mass that couldn’t be swallowed. It had to be vomited, taking with it every small ounce of energy and optimism I had left.
So I had to put on my miner’s cap (the one with torch fixed on it) and a spade and got into the lift that miners use to get down to the bottom. So I did as well. As I went down, down, on either sides I could see the events of the day, week, month, as if, on a big screen. Actually it was quite an interesting ride. It was like one of those novel joyrides in Disney land perhaps. I looked hard and clear to find the hitch the root of it all...then there hidden behind all joyful facades was the stain of the yellow monster. Like a small yellow spill on the ground it lay....I am lacking!!! lacking was the yellow fluid, and it just grew bigger and bigger.
Some days the lacking is so conspicuous. Like today. On other days it’s forgotten. Like the days I am busy, overwhelmed with the volume of tasks at hand. Weighed down by guilt that accompanies working mothers. Like a loyal friend. There to remind you promptly of all your errors, shortcomings, absentmindedness, and most often selfishness. Beset by guilt it is interesting how I can forget my lacking.
But like once a dear friend read out to me....one day on the phone...the lacking is not a bad thing. It is this lacking that urges us to seek and probe....this lacking is our birthright. This lacking is what makes us human and hungry.....
But the challenge is to understand that there is an inherent lacking. It is just there. And not to try and fill it with wrong things rather, seek for the only thing that can fill the vacuum.
Do I make sense???


josh said...

Shalini, they say that what we focus on, becomes our reality. Would you like to shift your attention from the void of lack to the pasture of blessings?

But then as a writer, you are also purging the monster by your very act of writing, le? You have proved to us even earlier your skills in verbally connecting your emotional state with your apparent physical self.

Words come from you like beasts or elves, as you want them at any given point.. Seems the whip you are holding can tame any monster. Such a gifted writer you are..

Shalini George said...

GEE! Josh!...I think i got a little carried away there ;)
But so absolutley true..our focus does become our reality.

But about my writing. I always found it forced. But thankyou. Like a good friend once told me 'Shal you need to accept compliments gracefully'. Josh you are too kind.( i couldn't help the last bit)

Beautiful Life said...

Your words, as a whole, indeed make sense. "Lacking" is normal and life is a quest to fill that emptiness, a desire to fill it permanently, an everlasting effort. Lacking/emptiness makes sense when it is filled little by little with something beautiful. (We have to choose here).

Personally, I am happy that I always lack something. It asks for improvement, learning, depending, supporting etc, to live life as a whole.

Some say spiritually it is the normal human desire for God and Truth and reasoning sees it as an inborn desire to seek. Human desire is ever wanting, insatiable.

Your recent posts are sort of revealing some hidden potential in writing skills, or that you just decided to reveal it?

Shalini George said...

You just put my thoughts into beautiful words that make a lot of sense.
'Some say spiritually it is the normal human desire for God and Truth and reasoning sees it as an inborn desire to seek. Human desire is ever wanting, insatiable.'
thats exactly what i meant in the end.
Thankyou Antony. For being there. Your presence mean a lot more than you realise. :)

mikimbizi said...

Liked that obscure , tactile quality of this post.
"...lacking was the yellow fluid, and it just grew bigger and bigger..." - lovely !! This is the best post I've read of urs.

Shalini George said...

Thankyou dear!

And to think, i thought this was my not-so-good one. But I am one of those person who just write as an alternative to speaking...